What Does it Take to Be an Excellent Caretaker? Radical Compassion

By Chuck Wolfe

My name is Charles Wolfe and I have been married to my lovely wife Barbara for 56 years. We started dating four years before we got married. Barbara is exactly one year younger than me. I like to say Barbara was G-d’s gift to the world to me when she was born on my birthday one year to the day after I was born.

Over the years we have had wonderful adventures, some serious challenges, and raised three wonderful daughters. Today we enjoy our daughters, and four amazing grandchildren, along with traveling, retirement for Barbara, and continued work for me.

Like many others we have been challenged in our later years by a series of illnesses and injuries.

Barbara has had an illness shared by other biological extended family members, i.e., essential tremor (ET). Along with the ET, Barbara has had a history of falls over the last several years. One fall resulted in stitches and a lost tooth, and more recently a concussion, with symptoms that have lessened but have not gone away. We don’t know exactly how the tremor ties to the falls, but nevertheless we are faced with dealing with them. It has impacted whether Barbara can continue to go to events where there are crowds of people, and also it has limited her ability to hike in nearby woodlands.

One “sacrifice” I have had to make is that as someone who is now engaged in moderate caregiving, I feel I should hold her hand whenever and wherever we walk. And “sacrifice” is in quotes because I dearly love holding her hand.

However, the loss of walks in the woods, the inability to go together to a baseball game or other event where lots of people are moving about quickly, has been a sacrifice for both of us. And at first, after the concussion, I was involved in doing quite a bit more for her, which I didn’t mind, and was glad to do, but all of these changes on my part were done with a sense of sadness that Barbara may be at the stage where she is losing some of her abilities that allow her to be independent. The emotional challenge of seeing a loved one lose precious abilities, as well as gaining additional responsibilities to defer my own needs and wants to make sure I was doing everything for her is not an easy transition.

In my professional work I use my expertise in emotional intelligence to help leaders, and really everyone, become smarter about how they manage their feelings. I realized a long time ago, it is often so much easier to counsel and coach others about how to be more successful in challenging situations e.g., creating the right emotions to help adapt to loss of abilities to care independently for oneself, and also the right emotions to help those individuals who become caregivers. What I have begun to understand is the need for radical compassion. While extremism is rarely an alternative that I recommend for any circumstance, it does seem necessary to accept the need for radical compassion when individuals undergo radical changes that are highly challenging.

In my professional life I have created The Emotion Roadmap^TM, an innovative process that helps people improve how they manage their own emotions and how they influence the emotions of others. There are several keys to creating successful outcomes. Initially it is important to understand what challenges an individual, couple, family, team, or organization are facing. People often find listening to someone explain a problem they are facing difficult. What I mean is that when you hear someone, especially someone you care about, has a problem, most people want to immediately go to problem solving. And unfortunately, the problem most often does not get solved when that occurs.

What I have learned from years of being a therapist and later a leadership coach and consultant, is that when someone first shares a concern with you, it is important to just listen. And to make sure the person feels heard, it is important to reflect back to them the summary and essence of what you heard. Interestingly, a person may say, “That is not what I said,” after listening to your summary. It is important not to defend what you stated. You may have accurately captured what was verbalized, but it may not have been what was intended. I know that sounds strange, but when people become emotional, they often struggle with describing what they are feeling and thinking. Your reflection, if somewhat accurate, may help them to gain clarity, and allow them to think more clearly and to say more clearly what they are experiencing. At the point where you and the other person agree that you have heard what was intended, you might ask, “How are you thinking about dealing with this situation?” This is a better response than immediately trying to offer what you believe might be a possible solution.

When they tell you what they are considering, if it sounds good, reinforce their ideas. If they really don’t know what to do, then ask permission to offer advice. Asking permission makes the other person more receptive to listening to your ideas. Sometimes you will hear that they aren’t really interested in your thoughts, but they are very appreciative just that you are willing to listen to them.  This technique is useful for dealing with any emotionally challenging situation, and I believe it will be extremely useful in dealing with people who have suddenly lost some or all of their independence, and also to the people in their lives who become caregivers.

The process of caregiving is challenging on multiple levels. The Emotion Roadmap^TM I created teaches people who are dealing with emotional challenges to focus on what they and other key people who are involved are feeling. Often the feelings associated with caregiving initially are extremely unpleasant. It is important to understand the origin of the feelings and the particular makeup of each individual impacted. While emotions follow certain rules, such as loss is accompanied by sadness, how each person responds is often somewhat unique to the individual. So, it is helpful to know how emotions work, the science of emotional intelligence, and it is even more critical to understand how each individual deals with certain emotions.  Most of us think about emotional challenges from our own vantage points. For example, if we found out we were incapacitated and no longer able to live independently, how I might respond may, or may not, be similar to how you respond. When trying to help anyone impacted, make sure your focus is on what they need as opposed to what you might want or need.

To help to cope with any emotional challenge, including caregiving, consider the feelings you and others are experiencing. Then ask yourself, is this feeling appropriate, and is it helpful? A feeling of grief and possibly depression is likely to accompany an initial determination that lifetime caregiving is required. It is an appropriate response initially, but it is certainly not helpful long term.

The next question is how do you change to more helpful and ideal feelings? In caregiving it seems acceptance based on one’s ability to adapt is critical. How can you change feelings? One strategy might be to recognize that the life you have had to date has had its upside and to be thankful for all of one’s blessings. It is possible for some to focus on the feeling of gratitude for a life well lived. For those who find it difficult, even impossible to change feelings, they may engage in attempting to change their self-narrative when sad and depressed feelings linger too long.

What we say to ourselves to move past these unpleasant feelings will likely take some time to get right. Start with something like, “Ok, here I am feeling sorry for myself again. I know that this is a self-defeating feeling, and I want to switch this feeling to more pleasant feelings.” Then try recalling an example about a wonderful moment or memory in your life. Have several different memories that you can call upon and keep working at it, until you feel you have found a narrative that actually does help you move beyond the negativity associated with what you have to do as a caregiver, or what you can no longer do as someone in need of care.

One final strategy is to create an emotional firewall. Just like we have computers that have anti-virus protection and firewalls that prevent our information from being compromised, we can set up the equivalent of an emotional firewall to protect us from unwanted feelings associated with our changed circumstances. When negativity begins to creep in, immediately shut the door to its entrance. Divert yourself by using strategies that work for you, such as exercise, listening to music, watching a sitcom or movie, or reading a book. Find the strategy that works most of the time to keep your feelings as pleasant as possible. Maintain control. You are the one in charge of how you feel, no matter the circumstances.

None of these approaches are perfect, but they do offer a reprieve and a chance to move beyond the unpleasantness associated with diminished abilities and the need to become much more of a full-time caregiver. It is easy to fall in love when we are young and in our prime, but true unconditional love where your partner is also your best friend requires radical compassion for your partner and for yourself when one of you experiences debilitating disease or injury. And these physical ailments are complicated by the emotional trauma of needing to be cared for and the need to be a caretaker.

There will be moments where our emotions seem hijacked. We become angry and upset when we try to do what was simple before, but now is seemingly impossible. And when our anger rises, we hit out at whoever is closest to us metaphorically and physically. It is here again that the Emotion Roadmap may be helpful. We can create a self- narrative that goes something like, “This is the pain and sadness talking and it is not personally directed at me. She or He is my loved one, and I can accept the slings and arrows knowing that it is simply the pain that is driving these harsh words and tone.” Once the anger has passed over us like water over the proverbial duck, we can move on with our loving relationships.

I hope anyone reading this finds it helpful as we all navigate the whitewater of life. I hope the idea of radical compassion and the strategies to make it work make a meaningful, positive difference for you and all those you love and adore.

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Chuck is CEO of Charles J. Wolfe Associates, LLC, a result-driven consulting firm dedicated to improving leadership and performance. He is a speaker, consultant and author, whose expertise includes executive coaching, leadership development, talent management, culture change and team building for fortune 500 companies, military and government organizations, universities and schools. Chuck is internationally recognized as a leader and pioneer in emotional intelligence (EI).